:smile:

remember that time that christmas eve (which is only :one: day before christmas DAY people) was just an hour away?

i will not snap.

i'm not a pansy sortuva guitar string.
that's why i can last fifteen more hours.
even if isaac wardell is playing the song.

close.

i'm close.
not close enough to pause.
but close enough to say that i'm close.

i like to pretend ...

... that i am one of those hipcoolkids who can listen to hipcoolmusic while they study. i'm not. classical or opera is the :only: thing that i can effectively listen to when i study. and yet, again and again and again i try to listen to the music that i sing to while i'm studying. in light of that problem of mine ... my sister has said that if i only listen to lyricless music while i'm studying until i'm through with capital-A-all of my schoolwork ...
then i get this:

AND this:

as prizes.
and we :all: know how i love a prize.

the arrival.

the advent means the arrival of the Christ. the advent means the Lord is come. the advent means that it is finished. the advent means that Jesus has come to bear our burdens. to be "our simon standing there." the advent is ... as cliche as it sounds ... what christmas is about. and this year, i'm :very: excited about christmas, just ask my roommates. i'm excited for a lot of reasons. a lot of reasons that :don't: have to do with Jesus being born. and those reasons are ok too. it's ok that i'm excited for christmas because by then i will be through with the enormous work load i have for the next two weeks. it's ok that i'm excited about christmas because by then i won't have to go to school again until i want to. it's ok that i'm excited about christmas because i have the most beautiful christmas tree ever to exist. it's ok that i cannot :wait: for my mom to get her gifts. it's ok that i'm excited about christmas because i l.o.v.e. wrapping presents and picking out presents and sending cards.

but, when the next two weeks look too big to be accomplished, like they do tonight ... it's really good for me to be excited because tomorrow is the first day that i celebrate the birth of Jesus. it's good for me to listen to jennifer knapp sing sing alleluia over and over. it's good for me to remember to praise the King of all good things. to remember that the last twentyfour hours :could: very literally have been much much worse. everyone i love is still alive. everyone i love is still healthy. the ones who love me most are rallying around me as i frantically strive to accomplish graduation.

when the next two weeks look too big to be accomplished, when i want to melt as i have many times before, when i want to be the girl i used to be, instead of the girl i am now, when i want to pretend i haven't learned strength, when i want to forget that i have learned to cope, when i want to cry, when i want not to cry, when i just feel too damn tired, when there's too much else to be thought of to think that i can possibly think of watching films and writing a sip, when i cannot manage to remember for more than a split second at a time that the strength does not come from me, that the being-awake-ness does not come from me, that even the concentration to read does not come from me, that nothing at all comes from me, but only :to: me by grace ... it's good for me to remember that Jesus not only died for me, but was born and lived for me.

jennifer's sing alleluia.